20 Oct Pillow Talk – Virgin Diaries

pillow-talk-429767Communication is key in any relationship. It’s something that is constantly in need of nurturing. All aspects of your relationship need to be nurtured, especially your sex life. Whether you are with a new partner, need to spice up your current relationship, or are sailing on the S.S. Virgin with me, a great place to start is with your communication during physically intimate moments. Telling him what you want him to do is a great place to start. Complimenting her on what she did that you enjoyed is a fantastic way to end. However, the most effective way to communicate about sex is during sex. Now, you’re wondering, “What can Miss Virgin tell me about communicating during sex?” Well, though I may be inexperienced about sex, I think I have learned a thing or two about communicating in a physical relationship.

In a recent study, researchers Hatfield and Rapson interviewed a large group of married couples about their communication during intimacy. The majority of the participants admitted that they wished their partners would be more vocal during sex and tell them exactly what they wanted. However, when asked about their willingness to speak up themselves, most said they were uncomfortable doing so. Anybody else see the irony in that? “I want him to speak up, but I’m not going to speak up.” Communication is a two-way street, and if neither of you is communicating, then somebody needs to take the first step. Maybe it should be you. And you may ask yourself, “Why do we need to talk about it? We’re doing just fine. I’m satisfied, and so is she.” But is she really? How do you know for sure?

Much like your Love Language, most couples prefer to receive physical love in different ways. Unless we communicate and discover our partner’s “Sex Language,” as it were, we will resort to showing affection in the way we like to be shown affection. For example, my Love Language is quality time. My fiancé’s is receiving gifts. If he does not know what my Love Language is, he will resort to the way he best receives love; and while I do appreciate when he gives me gifts, I truly feel closest to him when he goes out of his way to spend time with me. Because we have shared our Love Languages with one another, he knows that this is the best way to show me he cares, and I know that giving him a little gift for no particular reason shows my love for him. Though we may not have a sexual relationship yet, this level of sharing is something we hope to continue with once we do. So how do we find out our partner’s “Sex Language”?

This can be a difficult question for conservative couples and life-long virgins like me. When you learn throughout your life that sex is not something you should speak openly about, how do you teach yourself to tell someone the things you like? In conservative cultures, sexual feelings are often seen as a sin, so how do you find the nerve to tell your partner what arouses those sinful feelings in you? Like I said, I can’t tell you for sure how that works just yet, but I can say that I think starting early helps. If you and your partner don’t share a sexual relationship yet (like me and mine), then try to communicate during your other intimate moments. My fiancé knows that I don’t like to have my neck touched; it’s a weird anxiety that I have, and when someone touches my neck, I have a mild panic attack. Could you imagine what our intimate life might be like if I didn’t say, “I really don’t like it when you do that?” Or worse, what if I pretended to enjoy it, just to make him feel like he’s doing something right? My future sex life would probably be filled with trying to keep back panic attacks while he wonders why I’m not responding the way he’d hoped.

So, start your communication during a normal “make-out session.” Say things like, “I like it when you bite my lip” or, like me, “I don’t like having my neck touched.” You don’t even have to be that specific. Your words can be as simple as “That feels so good,” or even just “Don’t stop.” Use your words. Or if you’re not comfortable with that, use your sounds or expressions. Not all communication during sex has to be with words. If you aren’t comfortable with words right away, start off with communicating your desires with your sounds and facial expressions. A simple moan or sigh can let your partner know that they’re doing it right. Let them know they’re doing it right and you’re likely to end up satisfied more often. Plus, they’ll probably find your responses to be a turn-on themselves.

According to sex expert, Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., couples who communicate openly during sex “share more positions and experiment more…because they have a relationship in which both partners have the power to suggest, innovate, and break out of role expectations.” So here’s what I gather from that: By having the courage to say “I like that,” you open up the door for more communication down the road. If you’re not comfortable saying something you like, how can you have the guts to suggest that you try something new? Plus, if you start communicating, your partner will too, and both of you can make sure that the other is satisfied. After all, isn’t a relationship supposed to be about making each other happy? And why would that idea not apply to your bedroom life?

The only boundaries that your sex life has are the ones you have set and choose to keep up. You may have the same conservative, religious upbringing that I did, with your church leaders telling you “don’t even think about sex.” That’s a hard thing to get our of your head. Trust me, I know. But I’ve learned that not being open to communicating about physical intimacy can drive a wedge in your relationship. No matter how great your communication is in every other facet of your relationship, if you can’t communicate in bed, you’re not going to be happy for long. No relationship is set in stone. Communicating during sex allows you to break down those barriers you have put up. You can create an emotional bond with your partner while you are having a physical relationship. Deepening your emotional relationship with your partner will only increase your physical satisfaction, and increasing your physical satisfaction can deepen your emotional connection. It is an endless cycle that has countless benefits for you and your partner to reap.

As the captain of the S.S. Virgin, I can’t say I’m an expert at sex. But I can say that you don’t have to be in order to be a master of communication. Finding my voice in my physical relationship with my fiancé now assures me that I will be able to communicate with him in the future. I think it’s something that every couple should learn to do from the beginning, but if you didn’t start your physical relationship that way, it’s not too late. You can still start speaking up, and you’re sure to find it to be a risk worth taking.

Amy Collins
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